


Hartbreak

by Buckie



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Amnesia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Harry Hart | Galahad/Gary "Eggsy" Unwin, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Spoilers, The Golden Circle Spoilers, mentions of previous sexual situations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2019-01-04 10:54:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12167427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buckie/pseuds/Buckie
Summary: Merlin tried the water test, and when that had failed, Eggsy had had an epiphany and bought that puppy and held a gun up to it, screaming at Harry that he was going to shoot it... but then, well, that didn't work did it?So, Eggsy tries something else to remind Harry of who he was. Of who they are.(Nothing explicit, just a slight and very self indulgant rewrite of the memory trigger scene from TGC.)





	Hartbreak

It hurts to see him like this, after everything that they’ve been through, but Eggsy isn’t one for wallowing in self-pity when a friend is in trouble, particularly when that Friend is Harry Hart.

He feels like he’s already tried everything. Merlin tried the water test, and when that had failed, Eggsy had had an epiphany and bought that puppy and held a gun up to it, screaming at Harry that he was going to shoot it. Harry had just broken down, tears pricking his eye as he cuddled the small pup that he’d already affectionately called Colonel Mustard. Well, if the trauma of having to shoot Mr. Pickles with a blank gun didn’t jog his memory, then nothing would.

He’s at a loss now. He knows that he should probably leave the room, but he can’t quite bring himself to abandon the mess he’s made of the man now huddled in the corner and whispering to the dog. So Eggsy just sits on the bed and thinks. He thinks about everything he’s lost. His friends, Roxy, his dog, his girlfriend, his mentor and… well, whatever else Harry was to him before he lost him. He thinks of the days that they spent together while he was training under him. He thinks about the mornings that they spent learning etiquette, the evenings where he learned how to fight someone as talented as Harry, the nights that they whispered sweet nothings in one another’s ears as they made a mess of Harry’s expensive sheets.

He knows that he shouldn’t, because of the age difference, because he’s a bit of a commitment phobe, because there’s a strict no lovers policy to stop you from getting attached to anybody, particularly someone who’s also in the Kingsman service. He knows that he shouldn’t… but he loved Harry. He _loves_ Harry. And it may be selfish, and it may be stupid, but he would do anything to get him back. Maybe it’s the overwhelming sense of loss that’s surrounding him right now, maybe it’s purely just the knowledge that the man he loves has returned from the dead, but he’s not exactly thinking straight when he comes up with his next plan.

Thankfully, that’s when Harry pipes up, voice a little strained and wet. “Why would you do this?” Eggsy just shrugs, still not turning to face the shell of the man he once knew. “I don’t understand.” God, he sounds like a child, a mere kid lost in a store without his mother. “Please help me understand?”

Eggsy hears him shuffle toward him before the bed dips slightly under his weight. He hears the small dog whimper and yap a little at being moved, but after all of that the room is silent once again. He shrugs again, for wont of a better thing to do. He doesn’t really know what to say. Merlin’s listening in, and now’s probably not the best time to let it slip that he’d been shagging his mentor before his untimely death and subsequent revival. “You’re my mentor, man. I just wanted to get my mentor back.”

“So you were going to shoot a dog in front of me?” He sounded a little confused but he wasn’t angry. He just wanted to wrap his head around what would drive a man to kill an innocent puppy.

“You might not believe this but you shot a dog once.”

“So you said. But I would never hurt-”

“I know, Harry.”

The silence fell again and he wondered what Merlin was thinking of their conversation, or rather the lack thereof.

Eggsy finally turns his head to look at Harry and sees the face of the man he loves completely staring through him as if he weren’t really there. He thinks maybe, if he kisses him, maybe he’ll come back to him. Maybe he’ll feel Eggsy’s lips on his and remember the nights they spent tangled in one another’s arms, the quick fucks they had in between missions and paperwork, the mornings that they’d wake up next to each other and smile and kiss and touch. He considers just going in for it, just leaning in and brushing his lips against Harry’s. There’s a selfishness to it again because as much as he wants Harry back, he also really just wants to feel his lips on his again. He wants to know that he really is alive. He wants to feel their pulses beat as one through his lips.

But he’s not the type of person to force himself on someone, particularly if that someone is his… mentor.

“His name was Mr. Pickles, by the way.” Eggsy says to try and keep his mind off of the road it was threatening to go down.

“I’m sorry, Eggy?” He turns to him with a questioning look on his face, nothing like the dignified and slightly imposing man he should be. And the way he says the name. It hurts to hear him get it wrong.

“The, uh, dog. The one you shot. His name…” Eggsy groans because his words aren’t working.

And then Harry’s hand is on his thigh and he tries so hard not to but he flinches away like he’s been burned. Harry mutters an apology before turning his attention toward the small pup in his arms who has long since fallen asleep after the excitement of earlier.

“I’m sorry,” Eggsy starts, and Harry hums in acknowledgement. “I wouldn’t have put you through that if I didn’t think…” _that it would bring you back to me_ is what he was going to say before he stopped himself, thinking better than to let that part of him slip so casually. “That it would work,” he elects to say instead.

“It’s okay. I suppose.” Harry doesn’t turn away from fussing over the dog.

Eggsy thinks of his wording quite carefully now. “Harry, the world is going to shit, mate.” Perhaps not the best phrasing he could have used, but nevertheless he continues on. “And we really need our top spy back.”

Harry snickers at this, “seems a little strange to shoot a dog in front of a man to get him to join your side.”

“Oh, well, y’see, we were hoping it would jog your memory because of the time you shot Mr. Pickles.” Eggsy says a little too excited and emphatic, shocking Harry into looking at him like he was a madman. He calms a little after that, remembers the situation he’s in. “The world needs you, Har. Kingsman needs you.” _Fuck it._ Eggsy risks it, forces eye contact between the two of them and whispers “I need you.”

Something flicks behind Harry’s eye and Eggsy tries so hard not to hope that maybe him saying that has triggered something deep down inside of Harry. But the quick spark of recognition across his face is doing wonders to Eggsy’s heart.

Perhaps the way to get him back isn’t through the method that Ginger had talked about. Maybe instead of shocking him by putting him through a traumatic experience, he can try digging into another memory. Or perhaps, at a push, an emotion. 

They’d never really said they’d loved each other, despite the amount of time they’d spent together, particularly the amount of intimate time they’d spent together, but Eggsy had always known that he loved Harry, and always hoped that Harry had felt the same. So maybe, just maybe, if he did feel the same, Harry would at least remember that.

Eggsy’s actions from here on out would have to be carefully calculated, perfectly sculpted so he could get Harry back without risking both of their jobs with Merlin on the other side of that glass. He starts thinking of ways that he could sneak Harry out of the facility and get him back to a hotel so that they could try jogging his memory. No funny business, again Eggsy would never force himself on someone as vulnerable as Harry is right now, just anything that he can think of and that Harry is comfortable with. Sights, smells, sounds, and, if he would allow it, maybe even touch.

He’s thinking of the quickest and shortest escape route without going past the other room when he’s knocked out of his thoughts once more by Harry piping up.

“I have a question,” he says, placing Colonel Mustard to one side on the bed. The pup whimpers slightly but soon settles down back to sleep.

“What is it,” Eggsy replies, still slightly out of it because he’s trying quite hard to think of that plan. Nothing prepares him for the question that leaves Harry’s lips.

“What was I… to you?”

Eggsy risks a glance at the mirror, swallowing thickly. This… was not the plan. Maybe the flash of recognition really did trigger some deep memory of their time together. If he hadn’t been taught how to cope under pressure, he’d be sweating right now. As it is, the only thing showing of his anxiety at the way this conversation is going is the tight balls of his fists. He opens his mouth, he doesn’t know what he was going to say but he shuts it again quickly. Finally, he speaks. “My mentor”, he says, licking his lips in a nervous tick of movement. He flicks a look to the mirror once more before finishing quietly with “and my friend.”

Surely that would be enough for both parties listening. Enough to trigger an emotional response in Harry but not so much that he gives their entire relationship away to the people watching on the other side of the mirror. Particularly not Merlin.

Eggsy sees something then. Another flitter of emotion across Harry’s face and a light behind his eye that glistens ever so slightly, alluding to the fire that Eggsy had come to know and love so well. The spark is faint and nothing like it should be, but it’s definitely there nonetheless, and Eggsy’s heart soars at the prospect of getting Harry back.

Harry snickers in a way that he once would have. “I may have forgotten who I am Eggy but for some reason I can read you like an open book. I know you’re not telling me the whole truth. How can I know that?”

Eggsy panics. This was not good. Just how far was he willing to go to get Harry back? Just how far was Merlin willing to go to get Harry back? Would he allow them this? This one moment just to see if it worked. And if he did, would he allow them to remain Kingsman if they swore never to be together again? Strictly professional, teammates on the field, a mentor and his student, and nothing else.

Eggsy considers his options. In his mind it feels like hours pass as he focuses on keeping his breathing steady and deliberates what to do.

Fuck it.

_Fuck it._

He’s gonna get Harry back no matter what happens. No matter what Merlin thinks or does. The world has gone to shit, Kingsman has gone to shit, and it needs their best spy out there kicking ass and taking some _fucking_ names.

With one last gulp of air, Eggsy unclenches his teeth and takes the plunge.

“We were… intimate,” he looks once more towards the mirror, feeling Merlin’s eyes connecting with his despite not being able to see them. He takes a deep breath, looks down at his clenched fists sitting neatly on his thighs and finishes with a whispered “physically.”

“Oh,” is all Harry says.

“Yeah,” is all Eggsy can reply.

He feels the atmosphere of the room change, can practically feel the temperature drop by a few degrees as his hairs stand on end. He immediately regrets what he just said. If he could take it back, then he would. Clearly there’s no reaction from Harry, and for all he knows he’s just lost the one thing that he had left to cling on to, his job. He peeks at Harry again for any sign of anything, any recognition or sudden spark of memory, but he hasn’t moved from staring incredulously at the floor.

Knowing when he’s been beaten, and with a heaving sigh of defeat, Eggsy stands and slowly makes his way to the door. He’s about to motion for it to open when he hears Harry shuffle on the bed. And he hopes. He hopes. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is just the beginning. Maybe he just needed time to come to the realisation in his head. Maybe he just needed time for it to sink in and make sense.

Harry chokes out a breath. “Did I love you?”

Eggsy’s hand clenches again and he squeezes his eyes shut. “I don’t know.”

Behind him, Harry strokes the snoozing mass of fur, and, a little more like he used to sound, says “I feel like I loved you.”

Eggsy’s breath runs short and he has to catch himself on the door in front of him. In the mirror he catches his own eye, the way he looks so defeated and ridiculous. Hopelessly in love with a man who doesn’t even know him, a man who doesn’t remember what they used to be to one another. He can only pray that Merlin isn’t on the other side to see the mess he’s become as well.

“I know I loved you, Harry.” It comes out breathier than he wanted it to, and he’s shaking a little. Which is pathetic, considering he’s been trained to deal with much worse situations than this. But he’s… well, he’s had a pretty shitty day. He sighs again. “We never really said it. I guess because we weren’t allowed. I thought that saying it would make it real and we wouldn’t just be messing around anymore and I would lose my job and I’d lose you and-” he cuts himself off before he goes any further down this hole. He knows there’s no returning now but he doesn’t exactly want to make the situation worse. “I still love you.” Situation: Worse.

He feels Harry shuffle up to him before he speaks.

“Eggsy.”

Eggsy’s eyes snap open and he spins on his heel to look at Harry in the eye. “What did you just call me?”

Harry places a hand on Eggsy’s shoulder and he wants to pull away because it doesn’t feel right. It’s not firm, it’s curious. It’s not intimate, it’s fearful. “Kiss me.” And the way he says that isn’t a command, it’s a question. And it all feels so wrong.

Eggsy just stares at him, a mixture of emotions boiling in him as he tries not to let them show. He knows he shouldn’t feel angry but he does. At himself, at Harry, at this whole stupid fucking situation and he wants out now, thank you very much.

“I want to remember, Eggsy,” there he goes again, calling him his nickname. His real nickname. Maybe he does remember something. Maybe this is helping. “I know I loved you. I can feel that. Whatever there was and is between us…” he pauses, brings his hand up to Eggsy’s face and looks as though he’s searching for something that’s right in front of him, something that he can’t quite get a full grasp on. “I want… to remember.” At this, Harry closes his eye and leans forwards slowly, goading Eggsy to kiss him.

So he does. He leans forwards and gives him a quick peck on the lips before pulling back and looking expectantly in Harry’s eyes.

“No,” Harry chuckles, eye still closed “like you used to. Kiss me like you used to. I want to remember.” He’s smiling, and he looks so much younger than he ever has, so much more carefree. There’s no stress on his face, the weight of the world is not on his shoulders. And for a moment Eggsy hates himself. If he really loved him then surely he would leave him like this. If he really loved him and wasn’t a selfish piece of shit, then he’d leave Harry in this happy state and let him live the life that he wanted rather than the stressful life that he’d come to have. If he really loved him… he would let him go again. He would move on again. But then Harry opens his eye and looks at him with the same hope that he’s been feeling for the past day, and he just can’t stop himself for much longer.

“Are you sure that you want this,” he asks, his hands unclenching slightly. “Are you sure you want this life again? I could leave you and you’d be happy like this. A happy leapar- leopal- lep-”

“Lepidopterist.”

“Butterfly man, yeah.” They share a laugh and the tension in the room eases, and the temperature feels like it rises again. Eggsy feels warm and happy. And he allows himself this selfishness.

Eggsy cradles his face in his hands, reminiscent of the few times when they could afford to take it slow and be oh so intimate with each other. He looks at him reverently, like Harry created the sun but still manages to outshine it. And when he leans forwards he closes his eyes because he can’t quite believe that this is finally happening again. Finally he gets to really feel this man’s lips on his again.

Harry whispers Eggsy’s name moments before their lips connect, and _god_ it’s like he’s finally living again. Eggsy feels like the room’s filled with water and he’s drowning in the feeling of what’s happening. He’s back. Harry’s back. And he’s kissing him. Sure, he may not full know the weight of what he’s doing, but he’s here.

Eggsy starts with a soft peck of lips and then deepens it ever so slowly, tentatively testing the waters. When Harry gasps it all clicks into place for both of them. Their tongues join in, their teeth nibbling lightly, their lips moving together as if it were a dance. Hands begin to roam, Eggsy’s pressing a little more forcefully on Harry’s face, Harry’s coming up to grip the back of Eggsy’s head. Even if he himself doesn’t consciously know what to do, it’s as if Harry’s body remembers everything perfectly. He cradles him like he used to, kisses him like he means it.

But when Eggsy pushes him back and against the wall, Harry’s eye snaps open and he freezes. “The butterflies,” he whispers, eye roaming the room.

“Shit, Harry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to take advant-”

“Eggsy?” Hearing it so broken like that makes Eggsy panic, all of his training about keeping calm in a stressful situation flies out of the room.

“Fuck. Har-”

“It was a blank.”

“What.”

“Mr. Pickles. It was a blank. I shot him and it was a blank,” Harry’s eye scans the room quickly now as if watching something fly around. He makes a face as though the world is crashing around him. And then he gasps and is completely still. His face falls, his eye seeming blank and lifeless, and Eggsy thinks that maybe he shouldn’t have pushed him so far.

“Pancreatitis,” is the only thing he says next and Eggsy manages a breath.

“That’s right, Harry. That’s right.”

“Eggsy.”

The next thing either of them know, they’re embracing, and Eggsy feels like he’s about to cry but then he remembers Merlin’s advice.

_You may shed a tear in private._ Crying now would probably not be the best thing to do in front of the man he loves, particularly when he still might not be quite together again.

So he settles for a whispered “Harry” and holding the man a little tighter.

He’s had training, he’s been in tough situations, he’s nearly died too many times to count. But nothing, _nothing_ , could prepare him for what happened next.

Harry says, in the softest, most caring voice, “Eggsy.”

And then.

“I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> I apologise for how self indulgent this is. I straight up did not ship this but then I went to see the second movie and from their first interaction in it I fell so deeply in love because the memory loss trope is just too good to ignore.
> 
> I just really wanted Eggsy to kiss him to bring his memories back. What's better than waking the sleeping beauty up with a kiss?


End file.
